Dear Diary Of mine
by DearDiaryOfMine
Summary: Dear Diary of mine ... A diary of a teenage girl with bigger problems than ordinary.
1. 13 12

Dear teachers & people in my class , I'm sorry i'm weird, I'm sorry i make everything difficult for you . Yeah i don't pay attention in class and instead stare at the wall into space half the time , you tell me ' just try' or 'you're just lazy' , You say it like i choose to be like that, like i just decided i did not want to concentrate , but do you know how hard it is to concentrate on something when you have a million things running through you're mind ?…. when one of you're friends told you last night they tried to kill themselves , when you are wondering why you're ex kept calling you at 3 am when he says he does not even like you anymore , When all you can do is miss someone who has passed away and you feel like everyone is moving on and you're still stuck in the same place , When you know you will have to go past that road again on the way home on a dark cold December night just like a few years ago and you know everything will come rushing back to you and you will burst out crying again then the person next to you on the bus will give you a weird look and you will feel like such a freak , you don't do you ?


	2. 16 12

I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said, or anything he did, it was the feeling that came along with it and the crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright but I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you. Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all was not losing him, it was losing me.


	3. 18 12

I'm with him but were not right. I tried to move on , replace you like how you replaced me, but it's not that simple for me , when i am with him all i can think about is you.


	4. 21 12

think I am starting to move on, I still miss you, I still think about you all the time. But I have to let go of you because you don't love me anymore and I can't live my life anymore crippled from missing what we used to be. I have met this new guy and he is sweet,funny,kind and handsome , the perfect guy and i could not appreciate it because all i could see was you. I don't know if i am ever going to stop missing you but i know i deserve to be happy and i know i deserve to be with someone who loves me.I wish you luck in life and goodbye.


	5. 13 01

Everything is so fucked up i thought i had it under control , but i don't. My best friend is saying goodbye to me ,she is going to kill herself , i cant even talk her out of it because i want to kill myself to. But i am supposed to die she is not ,she is the most perfect person i know and if she kills herself so many people will be affected by it. If i kill myself no one will care. I want to cut i really want to just slice the shit out of my arms right now .I just want to walk out in my pjs onto the road and be hit by a car so i don't have to deal with this. And i have no idea why but i wish he was here to help me like he used to when it got like this. When i told him about what Dee was doing to me he told me he didn't want to know and to not get him involved. How could he just do that , how can he not even care , when i care so much about him. This is all Erik's fault he means well but he always causes trouble by accident. He told Cameron I was cheating on him when we were together, Erik removed me as a friend on fb. A small part of me hates Alice because she is so perfect , everyone likes her , everyone cares about her , Cameron even loves her. So does Erik. And what does she do decide to end her life. If i was her i would be the happiest mofo in town. But she is my best friend and i love her to pieces if she dies , well i cant even contemplate what my life would be like without Alice, what everyone's life's would be like without Alice. I know if i died they would not be shocked , they would not cry. It's funny because none of them are really my friends. Real friends would not tell someone to commit suicide or to self harm. Alice is my friend though. My only real friend. I just don't know what to do anymore.


	6. 21 01

These memories are killing me. They are slowly tearing and breaking ever single peace of sanity that I have. How can you just sit there and live without a single sketch of emotion on your face how can you breath without a monument of guilt or were and still are everything to me And at one point I thought I was something to you When we talked It meant something  
When you held me It was us against the world  
There was never a day when we weren't together  
Now theirs never a day that we are. I can't take these empty conversations anymore. Or these hollow hello's that we so often say. I can't live with who you've become. But I can't live without who you were. I always knew people could fall in love. And always knew people could fall out of love. But I never knew that people could be stuck in a love that doesn't exist anymore. And most of all I never knew it could hurt this bad.


	7. 18 01

You don't want me, you don't need me, like I want you, like i need you.


	8. 01 02

I am starting to get bad again.


	9. 05 02

My mind is killing me.


	10. 09 03

It's been a while since i have last done this. I just feel like there is no words to describe what i'm going through. So much has happened since i last did one of these but at the same time so little has happened to. I just feel so lost and there is no where to be found. Everyone leaves you , so what's the point in trying to make relationships with people when you know they will all leave you. I was in hospital for three days it was the only time i felt normal, like i actually fit in some where. I did not have to pretend and i felt like i belonged. However the doctors do not think i belong in an adult psychiatric ward so here i am back home exactly how it used to be. I just want to die. I ran in front of a car. I remember standing there on the pavement waiting for a car to come past and seeing it get closer and closer and finally stepping out. I remember my friends screams and them crying but still i saw the light and i felt my facial expressions change into a smile. Not a fake smile like i usually do but for once a real genuine smile. Then the car stopped and my happiness faded away instantly. I heard my friend crying hysterically i wanted to cry to but all i could do was say sorry and try to feel some kind of remorse for what i did. But I could not.


End file.
